I want to say that I'm wanting to start a new journey - a spiritual journey. See, what I've done, is basically fantasize about my entire life, up until the perfect point in my life. it was the best fantasy ever - everything I would ever want out of life, really. Amazing. I got the part where I was 29, living in a beautiful home, with my semi-new wife/love of my life/soulmate/best friend, and about to give birth, or having just given birth to a beautiful daughter... and at that moment, I realized was about the winter solstice, and I imagined how everyone thinks that this is the time the world would end. I was like, ok, but I should have nothing to worry about, because at that moment I would be reveling in perfect love, for my partner, my daughter, and myself. But... that didn't seem to make me happy. Yes, it seemed very, very good... for ME... but... I felt as though it was like there, you got the perfect thing you wanted in this life, so don't even worry about the next life... you already had this one, you don't need life in the next. Yes, I know... I sound sort of messed up. But the thing is, there are too many things and thoughts and ideas and philosophies and spiritualities that all say so many things... what am I to believe... when they all point in different directions??
If this life is not permanent, then it is meant for something... it's purpose would probably be to serve something else... in.. another life? What is that purpose? What am I supposed to do in this life? Perfectly enjoy myself, live a life filled with love? Shouldn't that be enough?

A lot of religions and ideas and schools of thought point towards the denial of these earthly pleasures. Sounds stupid, at first glance. It really does. And also, what would be the difference, between earthly pleasures and love... and romantic love? Is it to satisfy you, or someone else? And if your own satisfaction is not the point of life, then why, in places like the Bible, would God say that he would give abundance and wealth to his followers? Is it because they deserved them, for living selfless? But then why would Jesus, in the new testament, say to deny these very same things, stating that real wealth is not in this life, but in another? Why does the God of the old testament sound so different from the God that Jesus represents in the new testament?

And also... speaking of Bible things... if people say that heaven is a spiritual place, then why would Jesus take his physical body there? And why would that other guy be taken up to heaven in his body, also? Is it an actual place? And if so... what about everyone else? Why does it say in the end days that our bodies will be woken from the ground, and go to heaven or whatever? What if we were cremated? But then... talking to Nicodemus, Jesus says what.. that you'll be reborn with a new body? Huh? But then he says it's a birth of the spiritual (and water... again...huh?) that you need. Not a physical birth. No... he says, just like a physical birth, but the second time, it has to be in spirit. So... how do you actually KNOW that your spirit is reborn? That you have a new spirit as well as body? Because you are walking in love? When you live a life filed with the fruits of the spirit, then you are living a Godly life?

And also... is it that you don't rely on works to be 'saved' or reborn spiritually, but a love of God? But... as a sign of your love of God, you will be living a spiritual life filled with good works? But it's not the good works that save you, but the good works that are a sign that you are saved. You are saved when you live your life with good works out of love, a love for god...??? I think I get it. I think.

So anyway, so far all this stuff has been Christian stuff. I need to figure this Christian stuff out.
So...just say that the world as we know it DOES end on December uh.. solstice time... lol.... 2012. Just say. So ok... I was reading not only in the Bible but on this strange but intelligent looking website that if you try to save your life (physical life?) in this... life... then you will lose it in the next? Why??? Does that mean you HAVE to die for God in this world to even be saved? Or... I mean... it says that there will be special ones in heaven, who died for God. But then it also says there will be all people of all tongues and tribes in heaven, as well. Hmm...
Also, it says so yeah, if you try to save it, you lose it. If you lose it for God's sake, then you find it? Is it saying, perhaps not necessarily if you DO die for God, but as long as you are willing to die for God? If you live your life that is NOT for you... you lose your own life, in a sense... but you live it for others... which is out of love, and God is love, then you will find spiritual life in the next? I think? This actual is sort of starting to makes sense, maybe a little bit...

But what of the death part? Do you have to like, die a gruesome death in this world or something in order to live a good life in the other? Do you have to suffer for God in this world to live happily for God in the next? What if you live a happy, good life which is also filled with love, and the only suffering you have is because of the things you re giving up, for God? Does that count? Is that not sacrifice?
Are you allowed to have abundance and wealth? Doesn't God give abundance and wealth to those he loves? But does it not say, whoever I give much to, much is expected in return? So... as long as you do not become attached to the earthly things, and you use them for good, and you always put love and others ahead of yourself, and try to help others and live full of love, then.... then you are reborn spiritually? You have given up the physical for the spiritual? and if you live in the physical only, putting those things ahead of your own, then you are giving up the spiritual, because the spiritual serves God/love as the master, and to love completely you have to be selfless?? So... if you put physical things ahead of other things, then you are living for the body, and NOT the spirit.

So.... so far, that is a little bit of what I have gotten out of Christianity. And to be honest, I have gotten that out of Buddhism and other religions, too. Which really, makes me more comfortable in it's possible or actual truth/s.

but what of this whole life, thing, the fantasy life thing that i dreamed of and sounds so good? I suppose, the whole point of dreaming it was because it... felt so good... it was all about how I felt. But, isn't it good to feel good? Does God want us to feel good in this life, or does he want us to suffer for him? Or... maybe... it's the willingness to suffer for him, if we have to?? Hmm...
But then, yeah... what would be wrong with that perfect life I envisioned? I loved someone else, I had just given birth to a child whom I also loved... maybe it's the nice house part? The comfortable life? If life was simply meant to be lived comfortably and happily, then... well still... what would be the point? If the next life can also be comfortable and happy, what would this life be for? To be able to say, look God, I have all these feel-good things surrounding me, and instead of doing whatever it is that makes me feel good, I will do what makes YOU happy, no matter what I think or how it makes me feel. Because I know that to be able to rise above the physical things, the things that make me feel good, I may have to make choices that put others ahead of myself, and give up those feel good things... in order to do good in this world? To love others? But still... what is wrong with having that perfect, happy family??

Maybe it's not what is wrong with it, but what is missing, perhaps??
WHAT IS MISSING?? WHAT IS WRONG??? I'M TOO HAPPY?!? COME ON!!! I don't get it.. okay... take away the nice, beautiful big house. I have a wife. I love her. Okay, take away the lust. Make it purely agape, selfless love. And then the same love for my child. What is wrong, still? Have I helped anyone? Done any good for anyone?
Do I have to like, go to Africa and constantly feed starving kids and live in a hut myself as well? Do I have to have no partner and no children? Why would that be better? (the no partner and children part). Because I would be HAPPY?!? Okay.... but shouldn't I be happy, atleast spiritually? Is that the difference? Happy because of what I have spiritually and in terms of giving love, and happy in terms of what I have out of life that I want, like physical things and attention from someone I find attractive and lustful and such?
What, is God saying that lust is not good? Not even for your own wife? I thought God said that in the Bible, you should have a wife and love her... you are her and she is you... blah blah blah... and that is good. But well... did Jesus have a wife? Maybe Jesus had a partner, and maybe he gave of himself to her or... well ... whomever... and that he did not let earthly temptation and lust FOR the person overcome him, but he lived with love, so he loved them completely... but isn't it good to give your body sex? Did God not MAKE people that way, to be able to have and enjoy sex?? SO... is it in keeping with the old thing I said... as long as it does not CONTROL you?? Then it is good? If love is like, the best intentions and best everything for something and someone, then.... yeah... whatever is to better a person or thing would be good. Yeah?

But then... isn't that going against the other thing I said? The thing where it is good to suffer and not have things... and to be without... as long as you are with God? As in, your spirit would indeed be happy, but your body not? Because we are not living with our sights on this body or this earthly world, but on the spiritual world? And we cannot serve both? But... so... if our sights are set on the spiritual world, and how we want to have a spiritual birth, and to keep growing spiritually, then we have to deny the worldly things that satisfy our worldly bodies? But... God also made this world to enjoy?
So... maybe we SHOULD live in harmony with this worldly world... and should enjoy sex and good things, but not if we put those things ahead of the spiritual things? But I thought we could not serve two masters?? Uh... so... enjoy the lovely things God made for us, here on earth... but do not let them control you? What does that mean... them controlling you? As in, if you had a choice, love for another, and a worldly thing that made you feel good, then you choose the love for another? And when I say love for another... do I mean putting their worldly interests ahead of your worldly interests? I couldn't possible mean that. So, do I mean putting their spiritual interests ahead of your... physical ones?
Hmmm...
But I can't imagine living a life where I DO do things to get things I want... physical things... and then having sex, and doing rituals, and then only NOT doing them if someone else is in need instead. Because... isn't someone else always in need? Would Jesus do this? The Buddha? Mahatma Ghandi? Mother Theresa? My oh my...

So... what if I want to use the energies of this world to attain things for myself, good things, things that I enjoy and make me happy. Is this bad? Is this selfish? What is the difference between enjoying the things of this world that God made so lovely, and what... putting your own interests for these things ahead of others? I still don't know if I get it, but I suppose.... I suppose it is this that I must ponder.

So, I am going to have some kind of spiritual thing.

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So yeah, that's the other thing I don't like. When people completely separate spiritual things from everything else. I know I went on a whole big long rant about spirituality versus physicality. But... what did I mean by it all? Of course I'm still not completely sure, but... well, okay. Maybe living a spiritual life would be being more aware of another world, existence, and matter that we can not see with our eyes. So, it is this world, this frequency and energy, that not everyone is aware of, but that that is what is behind everything in life. Like with The Secret, or with Witchcraft even, or... anything else like that, quantum physics, etc. there is a whole universe of energy and unseen things and power that we have access to, and that we can use, for good or for bad.
Is this a part of God? Is this God? Or... is this simply a tool that God gave us, like another part of this world and this existence that exists and that we have access to?
Then... what is God? What is spirit? Is spirit/God/the soul/etc. simply energy matter that we do not yet understand, and energy matter that we cannot see???

How do we separate the spiritual from the physical, anyway? Is not this life meant to be completely spiritual? Is spiritual just a term for love/energy? Does that even make sense?
The way we live our lives... our whole entire lives... is this not spiritual? Life is spiritual? The spirit... what is that?


Oh... quickly, a thing about the marriage/family thing. Is it that I don't feel that I can dedicate my life to helping others, if I am so wrapped up in this wonderful life with a wonderful partner and child? Is that why monks are single, and nuns and priests, and Buddha, I think? Is it because you'd be too preoccupied with the family you have, this love and good stuff you are feeling, that you wouldn't be able to give of yourself to others?
Then WHY, tell me WHY, did God design it that way? To find love, have a family, have children, etc? Did he not expect us to live after this life, if we did this? For the monks and people who dedicate their lives to God and to love, what is that saying? That they will attain spiritual life, and we will not? Doesn't God want everyone to attain spiritual life? If we can't do that while we have a family or significant other, then... why are we made to have them? And if we can still dedicate our lives to God and to love if we have them, then why do others decide not to? Why is it always the ones who don't have the families and partners and such that are like, the.... better... ones? I don't get it.

And how come the Bible says that we will never be perfect on our own, so Jesus died for us? If he died for our sins, then does that mean that there is no more sin? Does that mean that we don't even have to bother with all this anyway? Does it mean that we don't have to suffer or sacrifice, because he did? But then... it stil says that we should suffer for him, give up our lives here for him... follow him... be attached to nothing, and live with love. Be attached to nothing. So, you could have a family, but... you must still live selflessly, and full of love. If you do this, if you truly love God, then you will have evidence of this in your life, because you will living all full of love... and if you truly love, love God and others, then God will say okay, they are on the path to God and to love... they can never do it on their own, but they are trying, so.... I will send Jesus in human form to do it perfectly for them, so that everytime I look at them I see the perfectness of Jesus instead? Bah... I don't totally get it - I only still have an idea of it.


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 Maybe I should stick with the things that I believe God has told me personally. Help people. Help others. Compassion. Mercy. That is it. That is my life. To help others.

everything else, hopefully God shows me in time. I am wanting to know. I really, really want to know.

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