well, I haven't' had the urge to write here for awhile. Maybe because it's been Christmas and all. I miss friend #2. I really, really miss her... I do. And I keep going back and forth between "I like her as a friend" and "I also like her as more than a friend". I mean, I don't know... it's not like I ever think she is unattractive and such... but I have this test thing to try and figure out if I like someone as more than a friend (though I rarely need to double check - it's usually quite obvious to me). But I mean like, if I imagine kissing her on the lips, and really enjoying it, then you know... it's sexual. Blah. So... sometimes it's a cool idea, with this friend, and sometimes it's not something that I feel I necessarily want to do (although I would never be OPPOSED to doing it) but... usually it's like, well she's beautiful and sexy, but a really good friend and... it's not like this complete lala sex crush... really. Or, I don't know. I would be (and AM) perfectly happy being her friend, and nothing more. So... yeah. That's actually a really good thing - being friends and happy with that. I don't ever have to be upset or anything, like if she's talking about a guy she likes or something (although sometimes that IS upsetting... blah. Who freakin knows anymore). Blah.

Oh, and I'm really sad and angry, but mostly sad, about this Benazir Bhutto thing. I just don't actually know that to say; I'm upset.

Umm... I finally got some smokes today. I hung out with Lisa, and we smoked and then had nachos at my house while watching Blades of Glory... which is pretty funny. Then Chelsea came and we smoked.... other stuff... and then we watched the second half og legally blond 2 (well Lisa did, because she was completely sober). I actually didn't really smoke much at all. i think just enough to be happy and relaxed, and occasionally laugh at something too much, or think something is REALLY hilarious... and then later I was drinking grapefruit pop and having perogies dipped in salsa and cheese sauce.. and I thought it was the most tasty thing in the world. Ha..

Anyway, I don't know. I'm not as excited for new years (aka drinking) as I was before today. Maybe because I got some stuff out of my system, like I was able to smoke and stuff (okay... put stuff IN my system) and like... blah.
Maybe because I'm realizing that all the drinking and happy highs in the world will NOT fill this emptiness. I damn well know what can, and I damn well know it can be a struggle. I really don't want to be a lazy  asshole..  I really don't. Blah.

I don't know... I want  to be happy and filled with love. I need God. I want God. I want to be a good person.

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