Woah... I haven't written here in a loooong time!!! Like since what, new years??

Okay, well... I have new classes now. Yay. I also had this experience that freaked me out - I thought I was actually close to death. I have never expereinced that before - I literally thought I was in my last hour few minutes and it was SCARY and that experience change me. For awhile. Yeah...

 I mean after that, I didn't drink or smoke or have coffee at ALL... and the coffee thing lasted atleast a good few weeks, well... I still don't drink much coffee I only drink tea usually. And my friend called me about a week after this, and she wanted to get drunk and smoke and everything I usually love... but I didn't touch one drop of alcohol... I bought a thing of nice white wine, the black tower stuff, but I didn't touch it - at ALL!!! Andf I didn't smoke either. I stood right beside her as she smoked, but I just... couldn't. I had also sworn to God that I would eat like, lettuce and only extremely healthy things... but I mean come on... I thought I was going to DIE.

Uh... but anyway, I'm not really healthy like that anymore.    I've already smoked today, and I've had wine atleast, anyway... and... coffee, yes, but not as much as before. Wow. Oh yeah! And I was totally ready to give up all kins=ds of lusty things, and flirting and everything more and stuff... all of that stuff, and obsessions and just everything like that. And I also knew that quitting smoking I wouldn't be talking to some of the same people that I was getting to know, that I wanted to get to know... but I was like okay, I'll do this... and I'll wear modest clothes and everything. Actually, in that first week a felt a lot closer to God, but everything in life was so.... wow... I couldn't find anything to do!!! I cut out everything unhealthy and aside from spending time with my family, all I could think to do was read The Word on the Street (like the Bible). The funny thing (well not so funny) is that the guy who started it was terminally ill when he started, and I think he thought he was going to die.

But yeah... it was amazing, I just wanted to spend time with my family. Now thaat those things are all in my life again, I realize what it all is is clutter, and junk, stuff that fills up your life and stops you from becoming closer to God. Not so much that it is all 'terribly sinful stuff that will cause you to burn and suffer in hell forever!!!' but more stuff that just... clogs up your healthy life and stops you from becoming the loving person who does God's stuff, kind of stuff.

It's strange because this happened like what, a few HOURS after I had finally said "Okay, I believe - I believe in Jesus and that Jesus is totally God or whatever, and that Jesus, following that way, is the way to live and be close to God - I fully believe in Jesus" and then this... I think I am dying. It was like hey, wow...I was like woah... I wasn't afraid to die, like of what was going ot happen to me, but I have NEVER in my life felt so much for my family or other people I lvoe, and have never cared so much about them, I swear. I didn't want to leave them behind. I prayed that I could saty with them - that I could have more time with them... I swore I would be healthy, and love everyone... and I totally meant it.

Of course, a lot of the health stuff after that probably WAS out of fear, but a fear that I couldn't stay and do the things I knew I wanted to do to help people... and be with my family and friends, and all that. But wow... there were a few nights I actually slept in my mum's bed... I mean Ithink she was scared something was going ot happen. Or atleast she didn't want me to be scared. But anyway, I have never felt so much love for my mother, EVER! Wow. Like... wow. And I definitely got my protities straight. I mean, I already knew, in my HEAD, what they were. But now... now I definitely know.

Anyway, that's a little bit about that.

I'm also looking into Christian Universalism. However, even now, when I say it, I get this feeling that it's not right. However, the alternative, it feels so very unfair that I can't possibly think that it's right, either. All I hear is God telling me to have compassion for people, to help them and love them and do good things like Jesus would do... and to just... live out of compasssion. Just think of others. I know this is right. Perhaps I should really leave everything else up to God? I mean, I will not tell people they are going to suffer in torment forever... I willl show and display love, and hope... that is what I want to do. Be God's love.

Oh yeah, and I've also realized that free will is most likely an illusion, and that is all. This is what led me to the universalism stuff. You know... I don't know what to think. But whatever. Maybe that's just proving my point!!

Oh, and about school and classes and everything. Things are pretty good with friend #1. She wants to get together after march break and do something. And with friend #2, she wants to get together during march break and do something.

Now, there's also this other person. She is amazing. Yesssssssss, she is my teacher. Big surprise. But she is aonderful. I've talked to her a few times, and she's great and amazing. I think she's really on the same wavelenght as me, with a LOT of things... and I can totally feel that. She's great. I'll add more of this stuff when I'm at home.

I'll write more later. I have a lot to write!!!

 

I really enjoyed my visit here.
I've been there, made promises to God at certain points in life (most of the time it was recovering from a hang over or too much week). So far it sounds like your doing really well sticking with yours so far. I have to ask...what happened that made you think you were about to die?

Well... it may not sound like much, but one night I was sitting peacefully watching a movie, and things started spinning uncontrollably and going all funny and going crazy, and my heart was racing and I could barely see, and then I was shaking uncontrollably and was all cold... and so I called the emergency because no one would drive me to the emergency, and they didn't know what was wrong... so I slept in my mum's bed, scared that I was going to have a seizure... and at points I couldn't feel my limbs or anything, and I really, honestly thought I was going to die because something felt funny in my head - like... not a headache, but... something. Not an anxiety attack, though I may have experienced that AS WELL. I eventually went to a chiropractor who had this really long name for something that I had/have... and I'm supposed to go back and see him. Um... I know this sounds crazy, but I mean... it freaked me out. And the chiropractor, he was like 'I think you'll be ok... I think... but you have to come back a lot, ok?" and yeah... I sound pathetic, I know. But, I thought maybe I had some kind of brain tumor or something. Still sometimes I keep jumping to that, because of the strange pressure in my head and the dizziness and weird things... but yeah. That's why I thought I was going to die... I know, I'm weird. I slept in my mum's bed a second time, and I kept waking up in the night, sure that I was smelling strange thigns and whatnot. I totally thought I was going to have a seizure and die. But it was at this point, before I had told anyone, where I went upstairs to try and relax, and I just felt like... omg, something bad is happening and this could be it... and that's when I wanted to change things. It really scared me.