People are stupid. Yes, most humans on this earth are fucked up, over dramatic fuck holes that are filled with hate and selfishness and stupidity.
Am I even one of them? Who fucking knows. Atleast up until now, I've been called the nicest person anyone has met. So.... I tired. What does being nice get me? Well, when I'm nice, everyone is happy - except me. People walk all over me and use me for my niceness, and then go on their fucked up merry ways.

Ok, not everyone is so terrible. Nothing is so black and white. But fuck, people, what the hell is wrong with you?!?!?

These friends say chuck those friends out, and those friends say chuck those other friends out... but I can't just get rid of all my friends. Can I? And one of the only people that I REALLY want to stay friends with (out of the ones who I've been upset with - not the mature, level headed people) has sort of been falling back into her old ways. You know, the old ways that got her in trouble in the first place? The reason why my other friends don't like her now?
And of course, HER newer friend is upset with me... and my friend is doing this whole thing where she gets in the middle again and tells both sides different things... until they're driven apart. This way, she has all her friends, but she keeps them all separated from each other. Every friend of hers that I've met through her, I've eventually had a falling out with, and now we're not friends.
Every friend she now makes, if they are introduced to her other friends, then they eventually not talk to each other. Fuck.
So why am I still friends with her? Huh? Because I get along with her so well? Well yeah, that's why. But do I get along with anyone else? No. Is this going to be like some abusive relationship thing? Where I'm friends with her, but she has me isolated from everybody else? I hope not.
Oh goodness. So, say I introduce this friend to my friend #2. What would happen? She would start hanging out with her, becoming chummy chummy, and eventually gossip would start. Then, it would be like 'oh, she said this about you, she thinks that...' and 'friend #2 says this, she thinks that' until we're both confused and get in a fight. After that, she has acquired a new friend, and I have lost another one. Nice.

Or.... maybe it's not that way at all?!? I mean, all last summer, we all hung out together and it was fun. Perhaps the only thing would be where she was like yeah... so and so STILL likes you, but... as opposed to this other girl, you don't have a job. That's about the only difference. So, she had me thinking that this girl relly still likes me... but when I talk to her, she's like I DID like you way back then, but not even that much either... and that was before, not now.... and I didn't think of it at the time, but I mean... when she was like "stop listening to what all  your friends are saying about me!" why wasn't I like, well this lovely friend of yours has been telling me stuff about you, too... so sorry I believed her.. and then I could tell her what she's actually been saying. Maybe then, she would know atleast a part of why I'm thinking these things... and why I thought maybe she still liked me. Could it be because, hey, our mutual friend TOLD me all this, and has been telling me this for almost a year?!?!? Hmm.... could that be it?!?!?

But aside from that, even if she hadn't told me that she liked me, the last I talked to the other girl was in the summer, and apparently she really liked me then. So all I would have known now (if this other friend hadn't of interceded) is that she ACTED and ACTS like she likes me, but is now dating another girl.... and so of course I was like WTF?!?
I mean... yes, she DOES appear to be a tease. And I'm sorry for listening to my horrible friends that she hates so much... and that I shouldn't listen to because hey, look at how they treat our lovely mutual friend here?!? But hello, there is a reason they don't like her... and it's because she used to always lie to peple and tell them messed up stories about people and break them apart. So,  if she's like don't listent ot what your friends have to say because look at what they say about her, then I should have been like well I also listened to lovely face gerself, I guess I shouldn't have done that either because THIS is what she has been saying. Blah blah blah.... stupid, stupid people.

STUPID STUPID PEOPLE!!!!!

What do people ask of me? What do people know of me? Hello... do they know, really know, what my life is like?? When talking to someone I completely ADORE, do they believe that I am going home to someone I truly love? To a partner? Or that I have many things filling my days... things with wonderful friends, friends that I really like and have things in common with? do they really think that my life is good enough that it actually doesn't revolve unhealthily around them?
My goodness... my life... it is pathetic, it is not as good as people think or expect it to be. When talking to someone I completely adore, I turn, walk away, and go home to nothingness, no one... loneliness. I do not know that they think, but I can almost guarantee... it is not what is reality for me. My life, it is not so filled with fun and people and relationships as people may think. When I am walking away from them, I am walking away from the best part... the best part of my life. The best part of my day. The thing that just barely keeps me going. The thing that gets me up in the morning. Do they know this? No. No they do no not. How could they know? I do not tell them. Therefore, they do not know.
It is sad.

How do I reverse this?

I do not know.

Woah... I haven't written here in a loooong time!!! Like since what, new years??

Okay, well... I have new classes now. Yay. I also had this experience that freaked me out - I thought I was actually close to death. I have never expereinced that before - I literally thought I was in my last hour few minutes and it was SCARY and that experience change me. For awhile. Yeah...

 I mean after that, I didn't drink or smoke or have coffee at ALL... and the coffee thing lasted atleast a good few weeks, well... I still don't drink much coffee I only drink tea usually. And my friend called me about a week after this, and she wanted to get drunk and smoke and everything I usually love... but I didn't touch one drop of alcohol... I bought a thing of nice white wine, the black tower stuff, but I didn't touch it - at ALL!!! Andf I didn't smoke either. I stood right beside her as she smoked, but I just... couldn't. I had also sworn to God that I would eat like, lettuce and only extremely healthy things... but I mean come on... I thought I was going to DIE.

Uh... but anyway, I'm not really healthy like that anymore.    I've already smoked today, and I've had wine atleast, anyway... and... coffee, yes, but not as much as before. Wow. Oh yeah! And I was totally ready to give up all kins=ds of lusty things, and flirting and everything more and stuff... all of that stuff, and obsessions and just everything like that. And I also knew that quitting smoking I wouldn't be talking to some of the same people that I was getting to know, that I wanted to get to know... but I was like okay, I'll do this... and I'll wear modest clothes and everything. Actually, in that first week a felt a lot closer to God, but everything in life was so.... wow... I couldn't find anything to do!!! I cut out everything unhealthy and aside from spending time with my family, all I could think to do was read The Word on the Street (like the Bible). The funny thing (well not so funny) is that the guy who started it was terminally ill when he started, and I think he thought he was going to die.

But yeah... it was amazing, I just wanted to spend time with my family. Now thaat those things are all in my life again, I realize what it all is is clutter, and junk, stuff that fills up your life and stops you from becoming closer to God. Not so much that it is all 'terribly sinful stuff that will cause you to burn and suffer in hell forever!!!' but more stuff that just... clogs up your healthy life and stops you from becoming the loving person who does God's stuff, kind of stuff.

It's strange because this happened like what, a few HOURS after I had finally said "Okay, I believe - I believe in Jesus and that Jesus is totally God or whatever, and that Jesus, following that way, is the way to live and be close to God - I fully believe in Jesus" and then this... I think I am dying. It was like hey, wow...I was like woah... I wasn't afraid to die, like of what was going ot happen to me, but I have NEVER in my life felt so much for my family or other people I lvoe, and have never cared so much about them, I swear. I didn't want to leave them behind. I prayed that I could saty with them - that I could have more time with them... I swore I would be healthy, and love everyone... and I totally meant it.

Of course, a lot of the health stuff after that probably WAS out of fear, but a fear that I couldn't stay and do the things I knew I wanted to do to help people... and be with my family and friends, and all that. But wow... there were a few nights I actually slept in my mum's bed... I mean Ithink she was scared something was going ot happen. Or atleast she didn't want me to be scared. But anyway, I have never felt so much love for my mother, EVER! Wow. Like... wow. And I definitely got my protities straight. I mean, I already knew, in my HEAD, what they were. But now... now I definitely know.

Anyway, that's a little bit about that.

I'm also looking into Christian Universalism. However, even now, when I say it, I get this feeling that it's not right. However, the alternative, it feels so very unfair that I can't possibly think that it's right, either. All I hear is God telling me to have compassion for people, to help them and love them and do good things like Jesus would do... and to just... live out of compasssion. Just think of others. I know this is right. Perhaps I should really leave everything else up to God? I mean, I will not tell people they are going to suffer in torment forever... I willl show and display love, and hope... that is what I want to do. Be God's love.

Oh yeah, and I've also realized that free will is most likely an illusion, and that is all. This is what led me to the universalism stuff. You know... I don't know what to think. But whatever. Maybe that's just proving my point!!

Oh, and about school and classes and everything. Things are pretty good with friend #1. She wants to get together after march break and do something. And with friend #2, she wants to get together during march break and do something.

Now, there's also this other person. She is amazing. Yesssssssss, she is my teacher. Big surprise. But she is aonderful. I've talked to her a few times, and she's great and amazing. I think she's really on the same wavelenght as me, with a LOT of things... and I can totally feel that. She's great. I'll add more of this stuff when I'm at home.

I'll write more later. I have a lot to write!!!

 

Ok, so New Years was good. Beautiful face came over for a very short, short time... her boyfriend was with her. He's nice and all, and very good looking, so... I don't know what to say to that.
She was very damn frikkin beautiful. Yeah... like yeah. Way to be like "I love your hair.. treh good (way to talk like me, even!) and then be like... die it black now... wink wink... because we all know she finds black hair sexy. And then she's all like... giving me those looks, and such. but whatever, it's ok. I do like her... well I mean... she is beautiful and such. She gave me a hug when she came, too.

The party was pretty good. I was drunk enough. Though at one point I was in my sister's room with her and three friends, and I got all upset over something to do with lesbians.. and I was crying and then explaining to the one friend and bringing up that diversity week thing at the college, and I heard my other friend say 'I knew this would come up...' and then I went to my room and cried after... but the whole time I wasn't like, terribly depressed sad... I was crying but it felt good, like a good release... then I went outside by myself for a smoke, and calmed down, then came inside, then was all hpay ok again.

I remember a time before this, when two of my friends were dancing and alll... obviously liking each other, and i kind of liked the one friend, and then I went to the kitchen by myself and then was like 'I hate being a lesbian' but what's her name was there, and was like what did you say? And of course i was like.. .nothing.. and then she was like 'I think you're beautiful" and gave e a hug and then left. She's bi, I don't know if that has anything to do with anything. But that was sweet oh fer.

Umm... what else? I don't fucking know. I'll finish the rest here when I am sober. Woop/


Oh yeah, we might not get the house.


Oh yeah...... from now on, I have to start writing again like how I used to - like how I was writing for ME - not for any potential viewers of this journal. I have to remember this for next time.

well, I haven't' had the urge to write here for awhile. Maybe because it's been Christmas and all. I miss friend #2. I really, really miss her... I do. And I keep going back and forth between "I like her as a friend" and "I also like her as more than a friend". I mean, I don't know... it's not like I ever think she is unattractive and such... but I have this test thing to try and figure out if I like someone as more than a friend (though I rarely need to double check - it's usually quite obvious to me). But I mean like, if I imagine kissing her on the lips, and really enjoying it, then you know... it's sexual. Blah. So... sometimes it's a cool idea, with this friend, and sometimes it's not something that I feel I necessarily want to do (although I would never be OPPOSED to doing it) but... usually it's like, well she's beautiful and sexy, but a really good friend and... it's not like this complete lala sex crush... really. Or, I don't know. I would be (and AM) perfectly happy being her friend, and nothing more. So... yeah. That's actually a really good thing - being friends and happy with that. I don't ever have to be upset or anything, like if she's talking about a guy she likes or something (although sometimes that IS upsetting... blah. Who freakin knows anymore). Blah.

Oh, and I'm really sad and angry, but mostly sad, about this Benazir Bhutto thing. I just don't actually know that to say; I'm upset.

Umm... I finally got some smokes today. I hung out with Lisa, and we smoked and then had nachos at my house while watching Blades of Glory... which is pretty funny. Then Chelsea came and we smoked.... other stuff... and then we watched the second half og legally blond 2 (well Lisa did, because she was completely sober). I actually didn't really smoke much at all. i think just enough to be happy and relaxed, and occasionally laugh at something too much, or think something is REALLY hilarious... and then later I was drinking grapefruit pop and having perogies dipped in salsa and cheese sauce.. and I thought it was the most tasty thing in the world. Ha..

Anyway, I don't know. I'm not as excited for new years (aka drinking) as I was before today. Maybe because I got some stuff out of my system, like I was able to smoke and stuff (okay... put stuff IN my system) and like... blah.
Maybe because I'm realizing that all the drinking and happy highs in the world will NOT fill this emptiness. I damn well know what can, and I damn well know it can be a struggle. I really don't want to be a lazy  asshole..  I really don't. Blah.

I don't know... I want  to be happy and filled with love. I need God. I want God. I want to be a good person.

Ooooooooh!!! So we went to look at the house that we might buy/rent-to-own today!! Holy ~ I really hope we get it! I mean, I'm pretty sure we are! We are. Yes.

Okay, so... we walked in, me, my mum, two sisters, brother, grandma, and granddad. everyone dispersed, and I went to find them, and I couldn't! The house is like... millions of different rooms, varying sizes, some oddly/eccentrically, shaped - tis' amazing! It took me awhile to find anther person... I didn't see them walk up the stairs, but of of course... they had gone up the OTHER set of stairs! And when I did get to the top, they were all dispersed in different rooms, and some in th attic. Okay, so... I was right. The room that my sister wants, I don't even want! I DO want the one in the centre - it's great! It's small and also oddly shaped, but is still nice... it's like... oh! I can't describe it. But I get to see a gothic steepled of an old, old church out my window... it's a good view!! PLus, this place is close to everything!
And my other sister is happy now because she gets a door out her room with a balcony! And she has a closet, which I don't have.... and wow. My sister and I are renting the third floor/attic. There;s her room, my room, and some skinny long room... which we'll make into some kind of hang out room, or dressing room, or opium den.

Anyway, I really, rally want and love this house! Oh I hope we get it! I'm pretty sure we will. I hope! Yes! we will.

We have all these plans for decorating, too... there is so much we can do!!

The bathroom is really cozy, and cool. It does have an old fashioned tub, with a wooden bench thing to step up on, and branches and twigs decorating the side, and more benches... kinda like a sauna room, but it's not. And then there's a doorway/archway with more twigs, and it's all cool and leads to the rest of the bathroom... and there's also a little diamond shaped window leading from one bathroom room to the other part!! Woot. Near the end of looking at the house, I couldn't find anyone, and then realized they were all hanging out in the bathroom! and we all fit comfortably! Sitting on benches and what not... like wow... seven people atleast, comfortably 'hanging out' in the bathroom? Weird, and cool. I love this house. It's like they were making it up as they went along, my grandma said. Like hmm... well we built this little room here... and then let's add ons something here... and oh, only room for this here... let's build a cupboard here, and have a walkway here that leads to a small room with a closet. Let's add some more stairs, and then... wow. It's cool! Wow.

I wants it! I loves it!!! Woot!

Oh yeah! And above one of the sets of stairs, in the wall above the doorway, is a square window... no reason. It's just... there. And the font door of the porch, to get to the house, has an oval window on it, and cool designs around it. Woot!!

I love my new hair! It's a lot shorter, but it'll grow back. And it's not too short, so... whatever! I just needed to lop off all that old, scraggly mess of straw hair that I had. I dyed it way too much. I'm still so tempted to atleast give myself green and red streaks on the now kinda blond hair, for Christmas, but... I know that that'd wreck it even more.

Oh, friend #1 finally emailed me back about coffee! But not friend #2. Aww... I hope she's well, and having a happy Christmas, anyway.

I'm so worried about money. I shouldn't be... but... well of course I am. Because my mum borrowed a whole load of my savings... which mostly should have gone to rent anyway, I now have only 99 cents in the bank! In my savings.

Ooh.. I just talked to mum on the phone, she wants to go with me to the college tomorrow, and check on my loan... which is now good to go!! So... now I have to wait for it to come, and then I think I have to hand in these forms and then it will take another week or two for the money to be deposited in the bank! Eeeeeg.

So, I'm hoping that granddad will loan me like, 150 or 175 dollars... for Christmas and new years. I really want to be able to have enough vodka, and then some fun drinks and coolers and that strawbery banana thing. Yay.
And then I need some pop, foundation, money for pizza (maybe... that'd  be a plus) and money for smokes, and then christmas presents for my immediate family. Woot.

So, hopefully, I get that. I REALLY want alcohol at this party!! I mean for meeeeee!! And a little extra, just in case.

Oooh... and I'm happy because I I wrote more of my story!! (Edit: I couldn't finish this happy thought because my brother came home.... asshole....)


Fuck. Ok my brother is an ASSHOLE. And he just stole my sisters food and broke my door and threw a huge cooking pot at my head, because I tossed a crock at his head... a tiny, rubbery shoe... and I did that because I was pissed off at him for being an asshole and taking my sisters dinner and waddling around like a giant, fat ass jerk who feels like he can do whatever the FUCK he wants to, because his precious little mommy never told him he couldn't. She's too scared of him; he's too big and fat and scary... he will seriously harm you when he's angry. I have bruises all over from him but nobody fucking cares.


Edit: I do indeed sound like a very selfish person in these posts. Perhaps I am way too addicted to all the physical things in this world. I know I am. But when it comes to people... I mean, their feelings.... gah. I DO care about people. I do.

FRIDA KAHLO. What a person to be writing about at a time like this. For an assignment, I mean. But wow, she's a little hard to write about. Actually, I'm becoming very interested in her, but writing an assignment about her in an hour wasn't the best idea. I could barely get into her, and barely just start thinking about all this stuff, and then I had to finish, and hand it in.
But yes... the things she painted. Death. Life. Obsession. Inadequacy. Spiritual things... no matter what anyone else says... very spiritual things. I like how she paints death. I like how it's right there, in your face. Sometimes literately in her face. Haha. But really, I like it. And the whole thing about death being life and vice versa... it's all there. Woot.

So... I really hope we move to this house that they looked at. It sounds big and amazing and cool, with all these different rooms, and three rooms in the attic for us girls, and two sets of stairs getting to the second floor (one for us, for the attic, because we're the servant girls! ha) and like... wow. From what they explained, it's all artsy and weird and cool. A giant bathtub with wooden steps leading up to it and a wooden bench and sticks and twigs decorating it? Sounds cool to me. Oddly shaped rooms? Wonderful.

Anyway... I'm about to write the scene where Via tells her that thing about her mother. Whewt.

School is over! I have a hair appt tomorrow. I'm actually nervous, though I'm not sure why. Maybe because I haven't gotten my hair professional done in like, years and years and years. Atleast seven years, maybe more. I don't even know how to get there by bus... or how long it'd take. Hopefully granddad can drive me.

So... I don't know. I'll update this later.

All the differences in this world are, I think, just helpful illusions. The only real difference might be between God and NOT God (evil? badness?) and so the illusions are here to help us make our choices between the two. That is all.
Some illusions, though, could they be here to distract us? Yes. But even then, that is how we are able to make decisions. We need the illusion of difference among things, so that we can choose those different things. Or... wouldn't there be only two differences in the world; God's and Evil's? Well, no... the difference between blue and red. Come one... neither one is 'evil' they are just two colours. But, most people can tell them apart as two different things. In reality, they're made of the same thing, so... they're not REALLY different. Well, it's the way in which they are formed and displayed, that makes them appear different.
So, two people can be made of the same stuff, entirely. It is an illusion that they are different. We appear different because of the decisions we make and the way we live our lives? perhaps at this point we ARE different. I mean, two balls of energy = same thing. But the second they start forming in different combinations... aren't they different, then? Different in the way that they are displayed, but still made out of the same thing.

So... are there huge differences in the world? At first glance, yes. But are they really just illusions, making us think they are different things? But... I don't think I'm making sense anymore. If two things are really the same, then how come... oh... it's not which objects we choose, maybe, but it's what we DO with them?!? I mean, energy is energy... right? At the base, at the core of everything, it is ALL THE SAME. So, we have illusions that things are different, but... why? Because then we wouldn't be conscious beings, able to distinguish one from another?
If one thing can be melded to form something that stands for something evil, then... you may really think that it's the THING that is evil, when in reality, it is the purpose for why it was created and the things that a person will do with it. The same for goodness, yeah? Oh wow, I really do now know if I am making sense... with anything.

Ok. Male and female. Obvious differences? But really... same stuff, different formation of that same stuff. We are eventually created differently, so that together we could do rather cool things... (sex!!) but... in reality, we are all the same stuff. This is probably just basic knowledge, to anyone, really. *sigh*

So... what was I really getting at???
Is it even helpful to know that everything is made of the same stuff? Everything is everything? I don't know... how does that help, to know? I mean, it all must resemble different stuff for a reason.
In the end, is not some of the energy destroyed, gone away, because it does not meld anymore? Do people, by their choices, choose to follow evilness... and they USE the apparent differences in things to show this? Blah. I suppose... ok, so... we are all the same stuff, and then we disperse and some decide to go away from us all, and just... leave, and the rest of stuff and people that finally has energy that vibrates on the same frequency... melds together again?
If it is the same thing, then... how is it separated? I mean, okay... we are all part of the same thing, and then we have illusions to help us live our lives and move closer to a vibrancy of energy that is good, or we use the illusions to make conscious decisions to move AWAY from that frequency, and more towards... something that means death? But... a permanent death?
How do we control our vibrations? Our thoughts? I suppose that's why our thoughts are SOOOOO important. Using these illusions, we can think different things, and thus make our lives different things. Then we choose to live certain ways, thus changing or keeping the same our energy patterns, either melding with or going away from the same frequency as GOD?!?!? Blah.


Oh, and this thing about life and death, and death being... life. How is this true? Does God (in the Bible) not say things like, 'the way of this world is death'? But then, also, if you die a death like Christ did, you are... reborn? So, death is really a pathway to life. So,death would be like the moment of conception, so that when you are dead it is like being in the womb, and it is all dark, like a grave... and then when you are re-born, it's... well, being re-born!?!! Hmmm.....
Wait, does that mean a physical death equals death, but if you have a new spiritual life that has sprung on in you, that when your physical self dies, the spiritual part of you that was reborn is still... alive? And so that when we die physically, it is like a new birth, but only in a spiritual body?
And how would I connect this with the whole energy/love/vibrations thing? If we are all made of the SAME THING, then it is our CHOICES that move us either closer to being on the same wavelength as God, or further away?

THIS is the thing that I have never understood, even as a kid. How do you know the exact second that you have new life, spiritually? For such a huge, major thing, you'd think that it'd have to be a huge, black and white thing to know... if God and evil are like, exact opposites, then... when is that exact opposite moment in time that your spiritual life is going to go on with God, and not with... evil?!?!?  Like... WTF!!!!!

If it's all energy masses, then... how do you know if you are on the frequency of love/God, and when you are not? Is there like a.... definite line, or something? Huh.

Yet AGAIN, I think what I will do is for sure stick with the whole help people thing. That is something I really want to do. I want to help others. Hopefully people can see that as God in me. I love God, I love others. I really want to live a life of that, and to SHOW it. I WANT to live a life of love. I want to help others.

I had another thought about something. It could or could not be true. I am just musing about all these things, as it is. Trying to figure things and life out.

When someone's yearning for another, whether someone specifically or just... someone... and they want to have love and romance and be close to them and share their lives with them, I think this is spiritual. I think possibly you are trying to connect to God. Now listen to this... if God is love, and in a way we are all a part of the same thing that God is made of, then really, what we may be doing is trying to re-connect to THE ALL, to God, to the giant massive energy form that is us all, that is a part of God somehow... like we are all separated from God, and from each other, but God cannot exist without us existing... even though we are made of the same stuff.. kinda like how your child is made of what you are made of... like God is this dual-one energy thing, and procreated with itself, and created US. Yet, this has always been? Like... God exists AS God because we exist as not God. And WE, then, are all the same stuff, having come from God, and we are all broken into tiny particles of the same thing - different consciousness though. We have conscious thought, and free will, in order to be able to consciously able to choose to become a part of this giant whole. This giant whole has to work together, have the same motives, be on the same frequency. We have to all work together to be one, and to work to and want to be a part of God (again?). Or, maybe we will now never be a PART of God, really, but more... still his children, worshiping him, but ALL TOGETHER.

So, we used to be one, but we are dispersed all throughout the universe... and Adam and Eve procreated and created a child kind of like how God created us (Adam and Eve are both just parts of the same thing, apparently... taken from his rib? His rib is HIS, so it is still HIM... they are the same! Yet... different consciousnesses) and so God is showing us how creation takes place. Showing us how we are all kind of like God.

So anyway... we all have to now consciously make a choice to be a part of it all again. We are thrown into this world, and if we sink under the pleasures and distractions of this physical world, then we sink... and we die? That sounds so harsh. But, perhaps... it is true?
And so, the beings who want and yearn to be a part of the ALL again will do what they can to live in harmony with others, and with the world, and with what they perceive to be GOD. They will LOVE, and be caring and want what is best for everything. They will put others ahead of themselves. They will not succumb or fall slave to the worldly things. They will rise above, and connect with God and be on the frequency of love, and will transcend this earthly world, then, to once again be a part of the whole.

So... this world WOULD be like a testing phase... to put it horribly, a weeding out of the ones who would not meld with the ALL. To take the ones who desperately want to live with God, and to pull them through. Yeah?
Wow... and I seriously have NO IDEA how close or far, far away I am... in this whole idea. If someone or something could just take me and grab me and TELL ME what it is I am doing right, or doing wrong... and what is right and what is not correct... oh goodness, if ONLY!!!! I want to know the truth. I want to.

I dot want my soul to die forever. i don't want to my soul to be harmed forever. I want to transcend, to live on, to be with God, living in lov, forever. That is what I want. Is it attainable? Is it? HOW?!?!??!? Why do I feel that that is not for me?? WHY??? I this a false idea? Is it because how I am living NOW does not match up? I really want to KNOW!!!!

Oh God... please hear me... please hear what I am saying... I really, really want to be with you.

Oh. If I really want to be with God, then I will obey what he says, and do what he wants, and live that good life. I should live how I talk... I should stop being a hypocrite. I should stop saying 'tomorrow' because i know that one day, tomorrow will not come. It will be today, and I will have to live up to how I have... lived... here on earth. I will have to attest to all that I have DONE, not just said or thought. I will have to have my LIFE as a witness to my thoughts, and I really do want that life to be something that God can finally be proud of. I suppose I am  not living this way right now. I suppose if I want to live Godly, then I have to... freakin live godly!!! Not just think about it, or use fancy words... but LIVE IT!! Show God I MEAN IT!!!

Oh wow, god.... please help me do that! I just love God enough to do that. I definitely do love others. so, I have to learn to actually LIVE that way, and not just show it. I must do that right now.

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So, the thing about yearning for other people here on earth. We are really just yearning for God, for another piece of ourselves... that is what we want to connect with. Sure, we can find that in another. We can find that in anyone. It is the lust that our body wants. THAT is the part that we could ignore. That is the worldly part. I suppose that part is fine, a long as it does not control you and take you away from what is REALLY love.

But the connecting with another soul? Well, of course we want to do that. We are split off from others, and I think that the other souls that are on the same vibratory frequency will be more attractive to you, and your energy will be so close to the same level that you will want to meld into one another. After all, the possible big picture is for ALL of us to do this, eventually; to all be on the same level/wavelength and to meld with each other. This wavelength/frequency would be love. That's what I think. We are all just yearning for God, and for that connection again. Yup.

I think, I guess, it gets confusing when the lust/physical part of you is mixed in with the spiritual/wanting to connect with another's energy part of you. I suppose you could use the physical attraction to become closer to them on all levels, but it is when the lust turns sour, or controls you, or gets in the way of the more important things, that it is a problem. Yeah?  Oh, I don't know. I think.